2004-01-23 - 3:08 p.m.

I feel like writing today. I don't know what gives me the urge or why I get it, I just feel like I need to put thoughts down.

My family is quite interesting. Let me tell you about them. I have a mother, who gave birth to me. I have a father, who married my mother when I was one year old, but he didn't provide the goods in order to give me life. I have another father that did that. That father (we'll call him biofather) I never got to know. I was so young when my mom got married that he stepped out of my life in order for my current father (we'll call him "dad") to raise me. I don't even know what he looks like. I grew up knowing his nieces and nephews really well and they were all like family to me, but we never discussed the fact that we actually WERE family. Biofather died many years ago. The one sibling that I have through him called me and told me he was dying and was asking about me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel the need to go see him. I didn't feel a huge sense of loss when he died. Should I have?

Those are the parental units.

I have a half brother. Same mother, different fathers. He's 3 years older than me. I have 2 stepbrothers and a stepsister . One stepbrother I have never met. My dad was never married to his mother and I think there was some bad blood between them so I never met him. The other stepbrother and stepsister I know really well and am close to. Dad was married to their mom just before he married my mom. Their mom died when they were young and my stepsister came to live with us, but my stepbrother stayed with his stepfather. Subsequently, my stepsister and I are very close.

My mom and dad got a divorce about 7 years ago and are both now remarried. I won't even get into the stepbrother/sister thing through those marriages!!! Currently my stepsister is not speaking with my mom (her stepmom) and my halfbrother is not speaking with dad. It makes for interesting holiday dynamics

Through biofather I have 1 sibling... that I know of. There may be more but I don't know. Here's the really dysfunctional thing about the one sibling that I do have through biofather. She's also my cousin. Biofather was doing my mom and her cousin!!! AND, not only that... I was born in August and she was born in October... OF THE SAME YEAR!

Apparently there was no bad blood between my mom and her cousin because they were as close as sisters until the day mom's cousin died. Biofather didn't end up with either of them. After my mom's cousin died my mom wanted to adopt my cousin/sister, but in the end my mom's cousin's sister (her other cousin) adopted her.

In my younger years I knew my cousin/sister pretty well. We always called ourselves cousins but sometimes we'd remark to each other that we are sisters. When we reached junior high... we lost touch with each other. Their family moved away and our "religions" took us on different paths. They are devout Jehovahs Witnesses, I'm a devout Baptist. Those two don't mix very well.

I'm all grown up now. I want to know her. She and are are the only real sister each other has. She grew up with her cousin as her sister and I grew up with my stepsister as my sister, but she and I are REAL sisters. Blood and everything. Aren't we entitled to be in each other's lives now?

I wrote her a card just before Christmas. I didn't send her a Christmas card because I know she doesn't celebrate it, just a normal card. I told her that I wanted to get to know her and at least become friends. I know she is married now with children. I'm their aunt!! I want to know them too.

As Douglas Coupland says, "All Families are Psychotic!"